Still Mrs.....

Yesterday was picture day at school. All the little girls dressed up in their frills and curls, boys in their new polos, and make up on the teachers. I marched my little ones into the room where they were taking the pictures and began to check them out to make sure none of them had restyled their hair, or the girls hadn’t gone crazy with the lip gloss, when the photographer asked me my name. He followed with “Miss, Ms., or Mrs.?” I didn’t know how to answer him. I panicked and turned around to ask Brandi, our office manager, “I’m still Mrs., right?” “Yes,” she said and gave me a look like she was surprised I questioned.
That was the start of a very difficult day for me. In that moment in time, I wasn’t sure who I was… what is my identity now? Who am I as a person?
I blogged earlier about that widow word, and I am starting to identify with that, but I still struggle with who I am now. Am I single or ‘single again’ or am I still considered married? When people look at me, do they still see my ring on my left hand and think I’m married, or do they know the truth? For that matter what is the truth? For the last 11 months I’ve said I still feel married, but do I still? I’m not really sure….. When my friends talk about their husbands, I usually begin to throw in my comments about how Kyle is, what he does……but shouldn’t it be how he was, what he did? Confusion has surrounded me since October 9, and I’m not sure it’s getting better….in fact I think it’s getting worse the closer I get back around to the date.
When am I no longer a ‘married woman’? When do I take off my ring and start wearing it on my right hand? When do I get to fall asleep without a tear in my eye? When do I get to sleep through the night and not wake up in a panic because he’s not there? When do I get back to normal? What is normal?
I know that you can’t answer these questions….perhaps there’s only one who can. But I need to see a light at the end of this tunnel before my train runs out of steam.

Music has been my outlet the last year. There’s a song on Loretta Lynn’s album Van Leer Rose called “Miss Being Mrs.” (there’s my country roots comin’ out). It speaks my heart's pain.



I lie here all alone,
In my bed of memories.
I’m dreamin’ of your sweet kiss,
Oh, how you loved on me.

I can almost feel you with me,
Here in this blue moonlight,
Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight.

Like so many other hearts,
Mine wanted to be free,
I’ve been put here every day,
Since you’ve been away from me.

My reflection in the mirror,
It’s such a hurtful sight,
Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight.

And how I loved them loving arms,
That once held me so tight,
I took off my wedding band,
And put it on my right hand,
I miss being Mrs., tonight


Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight
And how I loved them loving arms,
That once held me so tight,
I took off my wedding band,
And put it on my right hand,
I miss being Mrs., tonight
Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight