Ain't no cure....

for the summertime blues... Everybody knows that song, right? Or am I just exceptionally old now? Summer is always a mixed blessing for me. I LOVE the time I get off each summer as a teacher, and I've been able to spend that time off with ones I love but don't get to see often enough. But on the other hand, I HATE the heat. I also have a tendency to become a mental and physical slug. I know, big surprise. This summer is no different with the heat and slug thing, and I did go visit family for a while, but I feel like I've missed out on some other things. Two people in particular, I've missed seeing this summer that I see every summer. I just couldn't afford the trip this year. I ended up having to talk to them over the phone and feeling awful that I wasn't there with them. I hung up feeling completely isolated from them both, which to me is a tragedy, because I just don't think they know how much I love them. Pathetic. Someone who's experienced loss like I have should know the importance of expressing love to the ones most important in life. Isn't it funny how we are saddened at the loss of a friend or family member, and we promise ourselves we'll change. We think life is like the movies and in the end we'll realize the error of our ways before it's too late and have a grand reunion and live happily ever after. But life is not like the movies. Sometimes we don't get that second chance. Sometimes we do but take it for granted and forget what's important yet again. I don't want to be that person anymore, but how do I change me? It's easy enough to tell other people what they need to change about themselves and how to do it... but how do I change me?
I've been thinking a lot lately about change. How scary it is when I am choosing it, but how easy it is for me to deal with when it's thrust upon me. Maybe I need to come to the conclusion that I have no choice. I can't allow myself to be afraid. Maybe I need to put myself in a sink or swim situation where I know that I am the only one who can save me. Maybe it's time.... time for what? I'll let you know.