Today is the day I’ve been dreading for months…. Today marks the one year anniversary of our accident. It was one year ago today that my life as I knew it was shattered. Everyday since, I wake up and look for my husband in bed beside me and am reminded he’s not there and never will be again. Everyday I relive at least a little bit of the anguish I felt that day when I realized he was gone. BUT, everyday God has picked me up out of bed, and pushed me into life. Everyday God has held the pieces of my broken heart in his hands. Everyday God has brought people into my life to bless and be blessed through me. Everyday God has been my provider, my comforter, my sustainer.
Today I could write about what I’m going through and all the pain I feel, but today I’d rather tell you about the man God placed in my life. The man I loved first as a friend then as my husband.
Kyle James Allender ~ I remember the first time I spoke to Kyle on the phone…. We’d been set up. He had my number, and I had his, but being the old fashioned girl I am, I awaited his call. The first thing he said to me on the phone besides “Hi, I’m Kyle,” was “So, you wanna go on a date?!” I realized then I was going to have my hands full with this one. I kindly explained to him that we needed to talk some and get to know each other before I was going to get into a car with this strange yankee! We talked once a week for three months before we finally went on our first date. Our first date… I decided to be brave, and follow in my mother’s foot steps, and cook for him. He drove down after church one Sunday morning. I’d made my ‘famous’ chicken’n’dumplins and a chocolate meringue pie from scratch. I was later told by him that was totally unfair! (My mom said she could hear me reeling him in.) When he arrived, he handed me a big bouquet of beautiful yellow roses tipped in dark pink ~ my absolute favorite! My first reaction was “You didn’t tell me you had a goatee!” Up until then I hadn’t cared for facial hair of any kind. Funny how fast I changed my opinion! We watched a movie after lunch, and went to church that evening so my friend, Yolanda could check him out. Afterwards we went to dinner and I remember thinking as I watched him interact with the waitress that this guy was way too obnoxious and loud for me. He took me back to my little apartment and we hugged goodnight. I went to bed that night asking God what he had in store for me and this man who was a little rough around the edges, but definitely had potential. The next day was the longest day of my life. First thing in the morning, I got a speeding ticket. Great start, huh? The rest of the day was waiting: waiting to get home so I could wait for him to get off work, so I could wait for him to call. Do you know that jerk didn’t call me? He didn’t call till WEDNESDAY! (Okay, ladies, you know what I was thinking.) Once he did call, we had a great conversation, and talked for over 3 hours…. the first of many long phone calls between Indy and Lafayette. The rest of our dating life was unbelievable. Kyle was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. He was so attentive and romantic, but not in the mushy way. He was chivalrous, and just treated me so well. At the time, and still now, I couldn’t believe how wonderful he was.
Kyle was an incredible man. I’ve never known anyone like him. He absolutely could not tell a lie. He was honest, trustworthy, and loyal. He was extremely strong. Kyle stood 6’2 with broad shoulders. He was tough as nails and stout as an ox. He was tender with me. He was a generous lover. He considered my feelings before he opened his mouth. I know that whenever he made decisions for us, he always had my best interests at heart. Kyle could fix anything. He was a bodyman by trade, but was working as a subcontractor when he passed. He was an experienced mechanic, electrician and talented woodcrafter. He was so sensitive to my needs as his wife, and communicated freely with me about his needs as my husband. Kyle was slow to anger, slow to criticize, and quick to praise. He loved children and they adored him. I’ll have to tell you about his “little motorcycle buddy and boat fixin buddy” another time.
I could go on and on about the incredible man I was fortunate enough to call my husband. God blessed my life immensely through Kyle. As painful as this last year has been, I wouldn’t have missed loving him for the world.
The Mercy Me song Homesick came out RIGHT after our accident. I remember the first time I heard it. I was driving home from downtown on the interstate. The music started and then the first line.... You're in a better place I've heard a thousand times.... I knew at that moment this song would greatly effect my life. The tears began to flow and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I went out and bought the cd that week. I memorized the words faster than any song I've ever heard. I guess because it hit me so hard and I identified with it so well. I love that song so much that I can't even tell you what my favorite part is! But the bridge of the song really convicted me and has helped me find some direction through this fog... In Christ, there are no goodbyes, and in Christ there is no end, so I'll hold on to Jesus with all that I have to see you again, to see you again.... One of my dearest friends in the world, Niki, gave me the book written by Bart Millard that goes along with that song this summer. She had no idea how much I loved the song! I went to get my cell phone right then to play her my ringtone.... I close my eyes and I see your face.... Anyway, I was looking through the book and again I found feelings on my heart that needed to get into words....
homesick? wow.... is that the churning i'm feeling right now? the sluggish feeling that keeps me still that overcomes my strong will? i feel like my soul is frozen can't move or be moved is this the life i've chosen? i should be looking forward charging on ahead but here i stand in concrete shoes thoughts racing through my head homesick? i just don't know is that the way to describe how i'm pushing back against the flow? God, you've always said my home's with you now everything's been stripped away i see you always knew i want to talk to her kiss his face again so take me Father, take me if not right now, when?
I'm a Southern girl trapped in a yankee wasteland. I moved here for a job ~ stayed when I met my husband. Kyle was a wonderful Christian man, quite possibly the perfect husband, and I miss him desperately. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and go on with my life. I know God has a purpose for me, and I'm spending these days trying to figure out what exactly it is. I hope that my musings will be an encouragement and blessing to you.
